Dear Anne,
I don't know why but I just can't help getting sexually attracted to older women. I am 19 years old. I hardly find girls my age attractive no matter how beautiful they might be. And since I can't help it, I keep having these weird fantasies of having sex with older women. Sometimes I fantasize about having sex with married, middle-aged women in my neighbourhood whom I know. Then sometimes it's my teachers, some of whom are quite attractive. When I don't get to see them, it comes down to any of my aunts whom I find sexually irresistible and even, heaven help me, my mother. I want to break away but I really can't. Help! Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Many young men have fantasies about making love with older women. Almost always they stop this kind of teen "imaginary friend" scenario when they become sexually active with partners nearer their own age. Lads are aware that married women have sexual experience, and for someone who doesn't have that experience, the thought can be quite a thrill. Sometimes teen boys who have no sexual or romantic outlet of their own and whose lives are fairly much bound up in the home get turned on by peeking at the women around them: sisters, aunts, even their mother. It's not healthy, let alone legal, but it's not only based on the fact that they often see these women. It's also because usually these lads are too shy to ask girls out or even just to make friends girls so the only women they're close to are relatives.
It makes sense, then, to start chatting with the girls at your college. Girls aren't aliens! They have many of the same interests as you do. Talk about the lessons, the homework, what kind of music and TV they like, the places they like going. Assuming you're clean and presentable, around half of them will be willing to chat with you about such neutral topics. As you get over your shyness you'll be better placed to find ones who haven't got a boyfriend at the moment and could be interested in a date. Don't forget, a date is just a couple of hours out of your life. Either you and she get on OK and want to spend more time together, or you don't. Neither of you has lost anything if you're not suited. Indeed, you've gained a little bit of experience and you've weeded out someone who doesn't suit you.
Fantasies are a product of your imagination. Which you control. You'll help yourself more if you start substituting younger women into your erotic thoughts as soon as you can. Most people start with thoughts of actresses or singers, people who aren't available to them. They make good subjects for fantasies because in your imagination they behave exactly as you'd like them to. Real people probably don't! Which makes real people much more interesting, though a little more challenging. And fantasies keep you lonely in the real world.
The good thing about your writing in is that you obviously want to fix this problem and build yourself a more useful way into adult socialising. So rather than limiting your life by spending time alone with your thoughts, I hope you'll start interacting with others. All the best.
