Dear Anne
Since the birth of our daughter three years ago sex between myself and my partner has become stale. He doesn't touch me and oral sex is only applicable to him. For the past year I've hated being touched by him. It's getting worse just lately, but I have found myself flirting and craving sex with other men, especially with two men he asociates with. Do you thinks it's because I want different sex or do you think there's a problem? I don't really feel love for him, I care. Leaha
Dear Leaha
It's difficult, isn't it, when partners stop pleasing each other? Some men, especially if they were present at the birth, can find it difficult to maintain sexual feelings towards their partner. This can be out of guilt or distaste at the memory of how painful the birth was. Some women, especially if giving birth was difficult, develop an underlying anger towards the partner who made them have a baby. Other women slip into the caring but passionless mother/housewife mentality, and of this group, some go off sex completely, but this doesn't seem to be the case with you. It does sound more of a relationship issue than a sexual one, don't you think?
You don't say whether you used to love your partner, or whether his rather remote attitude to sex was the cause of your feelings changing. However, as things stand, there is a gulf between you. Isn't it time to decide what you want? Are you now willing to start talking to each other with the hope of building bridges or of working out an amicable separation? By talking, of course, I don't mean playing blame games. Saying how you feel about one topic at a time and then asking for what you want gives you the best chance of resolving things. Seeing a relationship counsellor could make this process a lot easier whether or not he wants to go with you.
Yes, you could start an affair. That, however, can make life very complicated and messy. I don't actually know anyone who's had an affair who's ended up happy but there may be somebody like that. Wouldn't it make more sense to sort out your problems with your partner so that you know where you stand? Then, if you are on your own, you'll have a free hand, won't you? And if you and he have resolved things, you, your daughter and your partner will have a comfortable basis for the future.
It may be hard to start talking. But not talking will make things harder still. I wish you all the best of luck.
Back to Ask Anne
