Dear Anne,
Me and my boyfriend don't have sex like we used to since I've had my baby. I don't know if it's me. When I look at myself I don't feel sexy any more so I can't get that horny feeling. Even when we do have sex I'm not getting into it because I'm thinking about it. Hannah
Dear Hannah,
Sadly after a baby lots of couples go through a phase of feeling unsexy. Sometimes it's the man, sometimes it's the woman. But if you address it, then it is just a phase that you can put behind you. Adjust your thinking and you'll find happiness in your lover's arms.
Teen culture and celebrity worship give us the mistaken idea that only supermodel looks are sexy. But supermodel types can be cold, arrogant, demanding and selfish, which isn't sexy either. Warm, kind, fun and caring are much sexier characteristics. A woman who's had a child is ripe. People in their seventies can still enjoy good lovemaking. And that's one clue right there: it's not about orgasms so much as about demonstrating your love for each other. Sometimes the journey is more pleasurable than the destination.
Ask your bf what he finds sexy about you. You know he does find you sexy because he still wants to make love with you. Each time he kisses you, holds your hand, caresses you etc., think consciously, "He's kissing me because he loves and fancies me" and so on. Build this into a new habit - it's well worth while! If he's not very liberal with the compliments, explain how you've been feeling about yourself and ask him for his help in rebuilding your self-image as an attractive, sexual woman. It's in his best interests too because he wants to make love with you!
It's also worth giving your bf plenty of non-sexual hugs and kisses. Inviting more closeness can only help you both. If you've been scared of this in case it leads to sex, how about talking it over with him? You might come up with a code-word for when it is a come-on. Fix a regular date so you can give each other time and attention. Even if sex isn't on the menu, it's still a good idea to spend a while stroking each other, perhaps with fabrics of different textures, to see what you both enjoy. A massage with oils can feel wonderfully relaxing too. If it does lead to sex, great! If not, you'll have some great closeness and helped each other realise how important and lovable you are to one another.
If you can find someone to childmind, go on dates or a weekend away with him, perhaps dressed up to the nines. Getting away from the role that's dominated your life recently - motherhood - will help you remember that you're a woman in your own right. A woman that your bf desires. Time to yourself or an evening with your girlie mates is relaxing and revitalising. A little while spent exploring your own body and what touches turn you on comes in handy. Lots of women practise this in the bath or shower.
Then use your imagination. Sex happens far more in the mind than it does in the body. Imagine you're absolutely gorgeous. Remind yourself that your feller fancies you just as you are anyway. Watch a romantic or sexy movie with your partner. Sometimes just close your eyes and imagine that you're in a romantic setting with a man who adores you (because that part is true). Light scented candles and put the laundry out of sight so your bedroom becomes your boudoir. And if you're secretly fantasising about being the most alluring woman on earth (possibly with your heartthrob of the moment), fine. What's in your head is private. If it helps you warm up to closeness or sex, that's a bonus for both you and your bf. Because you'll still be closer to him.
Another tip is to make a habit of remembering when sex was fun. Each time you sit down you can flash the thought, "I love sex", preferably with a quick visit to your imagination or a real occasion in the past, recalling the sights, scents and touches and how good they felt.
If after a month or so you're still holding yourself back from the pleasure you deserve, you could call Relate to arrange psychosexual counselling. Whether your partner goes too is up to each of you, but this common problem can be overcome. In the counselling room you'll just be talking, with any physical activities confined to the privacy of your home. Their website is at www.relate.org.uk.
I hope you'll find the courage to rebuild your sexual self-esteem. It's well worth it - and just think of the pleasure you and your beloved will be giving one another! Good luck.
