Dear Anne,
I am 58 and met a lovely man of 63 three months ago. The trouble is he is too lovely! He wants to do everything for me, be with me 24/7, and I am finding it all a little suffocating. He has asked me to marry him and I have accepted. I have had a life of hardship (been raped etc) and rotten relationships and don't seem to be able to accept so much love. I am very independent, have spent a lot of years on my own as a single parent although my kids are grown up now and I live alone, and I am lonely. All my friends say he is lovely but I don't feel as though I deserve such devotion. I don't know whether I am frightened or just being selfish. Sheila
Dear Sheila,
Interesting that you see this dilemma in such self-critical terms. There are other perspectives. His wanting to get married after such a short time sounds as though he is perhaps a little desperate and clingy. Besides, after only three months you and he haven't yet had time to work out how to balance your respective needs for closeness and space. This problem isn't just magically going to go away by itself if you get married. It needs bringing out into the open and resolving so that neither of you feels frustrated, engulfed, abandoned or only conditionally accepted. Working out how to solve problems in a mutually caring way is good for building bonds.
Another aspect is for you to be able to put in clear boundaries. It's like you don't feel you're allowed to say no or to ask for what you want, e.g. some time to yourself and some independence. That ties in with your feeling that you don't deserve good love. Why not? It's not your fault that others have behaved abusively to you. Their behaviour speaks about them, not you. Unfortunately you just happened to be on the receiving end of it. Whatever you did or didn't do, those abusive people had choices about how they initiated or responded.
Let me illustrate that with a true story. A woman worked in a remote rural post-office. A masked man held her up at gunpoint - and as is so common with people who've been abused, she blamed herself. But surely the blame belongs to the thief with the gun! Do you see the parallel?
Here's another question. Would you go into a nursery and put a label on one of the babies' heads saying "This child doesn't deserve good love"? Of course not! So why do it to yourself? You're courageous, attractive, loving and giving. You have plenty of skills and good qualities. You deserve your own love and you deserve love from people who are able to give love that feels good to you.
It sounds like now would be a good time to talk things through with a counsellor, perhaps from Rape Crisis (www.rapecrisis.org.uk) or Women's Aid (www.womensaid.org.uk). It doesn't matter that the traumatic abuse occurred long ago. It's still affecting you in the present, isn't it? Those who've been abused often have fuzzy personal boundaries that mean they easily feel invaded and don't know how (or if they're allowed!) to defend themselves. Counsellors won't judge, criticise or condemn but will help you build your confidence and make new decisions about yourself, other people and your place in the world. I hope one of them is to stop criticising yourself! Louise Hay's inspirational talk How to Love Yourself is available from online retailers and could be just what you need.
Here are some ideas about interpersonal tactics. You might say to your feller, "I love you and it's great that you love me, but after so long on my own I don't want to go too fast and I do want to have some time for myself, my friends and my interests. It doesn't mean I love you any less, OK?"
Because a good relationship consists of three elements. You. The other person. And the relationship itself. It shouldn't swallow you up. A good partner is the wind beneath your wings, not a cocoon. Besides, when you meet up again, you've got more to talk about.
You could make some compromises. Yes, go out or stay in on your own for a morning, a day or an evening, but ring him, text him or meet him for a defined occasion like a meal out or a night at the pub. Encourage him to have his own friends and interests as well as sometimes sharing yours. You can share his too, but the key word is still sometimes.
My sympathies, by the way, on the pain you've experienced in the past. Now though you can look to the future. I wish you every happiness - and as you discover how to value your own friendly, lovable self, you'll find it, whether with this chap or someone else. All the best.
