Dear Anne
I am currently having some serious relationship problems with my girlfriend of nearly 5 years. We are very much in love, but she tells me she needs trust as well as love which I do understand. The problem is that I get into situations that I can't say no to. I then feel I can't tell my girlfriend because I know it will cause arguments and I feel she'll ultimately leave me. I therefore keep these things from her. However she always finds out later on which makes the problem much worse.
I have now been honest with her on many things. However there are still things I haven't told her but know she will leave me if I say. The most recent situation is that a girl kissed me and I didn't want to. I didn't like the girl, I didn't want to cheat on my girlfriend and I didn't like it at all.
However I just went along with it because I couldn't say no. I have now been honest with my girlfriend about this but she doesn't really understand. However she is willing to forgive me if I go and see this girl with her and tell her quite bluntly that I just went along with it and I don't like her etc. Although I will be afraid to do this I don't have a problem with it because it is the truth. However I'm worried that this girl my tell my girlfriend about some things in my past that I have kept from my girlfriend. Things that I know she would leave me for. My girlfriend's threats have scared me into changing myself. I do want to change, and I believe from now on I can be honest with her and I think we can work together to get things sorted.
But I know she would leave me for good if she found out some things I have kept from her, and I am really worried about this upcoming confrontation I have described, so much that I have been near to the edge of really harming myself. I just don't know what to do. Please can you help me? Thanks. Richard
Dear Richard
Thank you for your letter. I'm sorry you're so distressed. Love can be uplifting, a support in times of trouble but not if there's no trust. While your girlfriend is wondering what's next and why you don't respect her enough to be open with her, you're stressing about when she's going to find out the rest of your guilty secrets and pack you in. Neither position sounds like a stable foundation for a relationship.
I'm wondering why you say yes instead of no to things you're reluctant to do. Do you rate other people's feelings above your own, so that rather than give offence you'll lie or do something you hate? I wonder what you get out of that? I'm sure it's intended to get you accepted by the other person, but don't you find it makes that acceptance conditional? And that as your acceptance by the other person could break at any moment, it lowers your self-esteem too? Now your girlfriend is pressuring you into a confrontation where you'll have to be rather unkind, and where you believe you risk rejection. But you say you have no problem with this.
