Dear Anne
I have just seen your web site. I'm a woman myself but I have a terribly relationship with other women, actually bordering on hate or at least thin tolerance. I've never been able too explain this other than I can just about stand to have to be around them, work with them or deal with them. However I find their conversation irritating, pointless and illogical. I don't want to discuss the latest sales, what their friend told their friend last night or who is shagging who. I'm at a complete loss at how to cope with this and it seems to have got worse over the years. The more I try and become friends with one, I get constantly let down, forgotten by them or just meet one who is just a taker.
I'm about to start work soon and so of course will have to deal with working with women. What on earth do I do? I barely manage to hold my tongue in check, but I'm getting more worried about it because it has not gone away after my teenage years. Can you advise at all? Louise
Dear Louise
Thank you for your letter. I expect you're wondering why you're writing to a woman about the problems you've had with women. However, there are more agony aunts than uncles, and I don't think this is coincidence. I know lots of nice, kind, supportive men who are good at listening but the make-up of the female brain, as well as the socialisation process we go through as we grow up, both mean that many women are more interested in people, while the stereotypical male (if there is such a creature) will be more interested in things. Lots of people will be quite angry about what I've just written because there are so many exceptions to the rule.
That's a point it's worth emphasising. Women are not all the same. Men are not all the same. We're all individuals, with different skills and interests. I wonder how you feel about yourself. You are, after all, a woman. You have your own interests, and you're not going to be the only person on the planet who shares those interests. Whether you like hang-gliding or astrophysics, other women somewhere will also enjoy those pursuits. Would it be worth your while to go to places such as interest groups where you can find people of both sexes who enjoy the same things? There you'll have the interest to break the ice.
While you may have had some unfortunate experiences with girls at school, you're no longer a captive audience in the same way, are you? In the same way, if you've adopted the viewpoint of your parents, you're now allowed to question that. You are growing up and making new decisions about the way you've been thinking. Other people (including women) are doing the same. Are you willing to take people as individuals rather than lumping them all together behind the same mask?
Sure, some women like gossip. So do some men. Providing it's not malicious, it's a harmless enough way of making connections. All the things you've said about women, other women have been saying about men! Are generalisations helping you find what you want?
As for making female friends, if you've generally been giving out keep away signals, has that given you the best chance of finding some pleasant female companionship? And, since you've been trying to make friends with a woman, you must have thought there would be some benefit to that. I hope that means that cracks are appearing in your old prejudice! It's worth expecting most people to be generally well-intentioned, but to let them earn your trust bit by bit. If someone (male or female) is a taker, then you don't need to have a row about it. You can just back off in a cool but civil manner. It helps to make specific invitations rather than general We must have coffee some time ones.
It could also be helpful to make a list of all the times women have behaved in an OK way towards you. Another step could be to think what you'd like in a woman friend and behave that way towards other women.
One last point. You say, It hasn't gone away as though your thought patterns are somehow imposed from outside. They're not. You can change what you think, and maybe it's now time to start looking for evidence of good in the female half of the population, including yourself! It's your choice.
I wish you a rich and fulfilling social life, and the confidence to know you can keep yourself safe and still let people get close to you.
Back to Ask Anne
