Dear Anne
I exchanged a few words with a neigbour who has since moved. She has been spreading rumours about me that I did not work and that I am a man because I do not have any children. However the other neighbours have been making nuisance phone calls and dumping rubbish in the front garden. I went to a monitoring group because I think that this lady might be a racist, and this got back to her. The people that she sold the house to were told that I do not speak to anyone in the street. It has also gone as far as my GP surgery.
The practice nurse asked me if I did not have any friends? There is one particular friend of hers who lives two doors away from me who I think is the ringleader in this. She has said to me, I have it on authority that you do not work. Is every thing ok with you and your husband? because he talks to everyone and I am a bit reserved, meaning that it's my business and no one else's.
I also think that she or someone in the street may have some information because I took my husband for marriage guidance counselling. It might well be the counsellor herself because she lives in the next street. I am openminded about it but I am a bit unhappy that the information that I gave was not kept confidential. This particular neighbour is too well informed. She has also said that she knows about something else that I have done and that she did it because I quarrelled with the neighbour and that when I do something to people in the street, they do not forget. Rita
Dear Rita
Tittle-tattling neighbours can make life uncomfortable, can't they? However, gossip soon becomes stale and a new subject becomes the next nine days wonder. If someone says they think you're a man, does that make it true? No, of course not! It's just silly, isn't it? Why should you take it seriously? Nobody else will! The person who says such things is the one who'll be thought daft, not you! By worrying deeply about what people say, don't you run the risk of getting things out of proportion? What are you gaining by this? Isn't unhappiness the answer to that? So are you going to keep on worrying, or would you rather learn to think of something more pleasant?
You have discovered that anger and arguments are no protection. Nor is cutting yourself off. Far from it! People may decide that you are stand-offish because that's all they see. It's also much lonelier! How about starting to smile and greet neighbours as you pass them in the street? Even a Morning! Nice day, isn't it? can begin to show them that you are cheerful and warm-hearted. Though it may take a while for this friendly message to get through, each smile you win is a step in the right direction. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes, (that means you, too!) but dwelling on them or holding grudges doesn't get you anywhere, does it?
It may be worth your while to find an assertiveness course in your area. Being assertive is neither aggressive nor passive. It's respecting your rights and other people's equally, and gives you the best chance of getting your needs met. It's also much better for your confidence, so that you can shrug off idle gossip or laugh at it. Besides, lots of people make friends at such classes, which is a reward in itself. Being friendly is the best protection of all against gossip!
You say that you and your husband have been for marital counselling. Counsellors are bound by a strict code of ethics. Confidentiality is a part of that ethical code. You could ring your counsellor and ask (rather than accuse!) if she may have inadvertently let something slip, explaining your concerns. The counsellor will almost certainly be able to allay your anxieties.
Hopefully you also have an ally in your husband. He will have resources that you don't, and vice versa. Could you express your concerns to him briefly one by one (not necessarily all on the same day), and ask if he has any suggestions? Once you've sorted out one point together and you've both decided what to do about it, you can move on to the next. This can also help build up your mutual bond.
Meantime, what can you do to make your life more rewarding? Are there any pastimes you could develop? Isn't it worth putting some of the energy you used to use on concerns about old feuds into something pleasant and uplifting? Expanding your horizons could make it easier to put all this behind you and get things into perspective.
I wish you good relationships and peace of mind.Back to Ask Anne
