Dear Anne,
I am 29 with three kids, two of whom have special needs and are a handful. The other is a baby. I have been with their dad for 7 years. In this time he has slept with numerous women and been living constantly with the mother of his older children. I can see most of the time that he doesn't love me but after all this time I am finding it hard to break free and move on, thinking that if I do, I may lose my chance of love. In reality I know nobody else will want me. My mum died alone from breast cancer and I am terrified the same thing will happen to me, so I cling onto a relationship that I know I have already wasted too much time on. Please answer this and tell me what to do. I so want to move on but I don't seem to be able to end it once and for all. Thank you, Anne. Caroline
Dear Caroline,
I'm so sorry you've been feeling stuck and unsupported by your children's dad. It's particularly unfair since you have two children with special needs and a baby. Much as you love your little ones, this situation can't be easy for you.
Your boyfriend probably loves you to the best of his ability, and I'm pretty sure your kids love you as best they can too. The trouble is, your bf isn't capable of giving good, stable love, not to you, his other bedmates or the mother of his older children. He doesn't believe in fidelity. That's about him. He's responsible for his actions, not you.
You are not your mother. I'm sorry she died alone of cancer, but you are not her. You can make different choices. You can invite more and nicer friendships into your life. This will be easier to do once you stop wasting all your thoughts on your bf and bring them back into working out what you can do to make your life more rewarding. www.parentpartnership.org.uk is an organisation to help parents of children with special needs deal with the children's schools. If you enter the name of your children's condition/s into a search engine, you'll probably find support groups for parents. www.mumsnet.org.uk and http://singleparents.about.com/od/singleparentlife/f/meet_new_people.htm offer online support and practical tips. As a (largely) single parent, you may find it useful to go to www.gingerbread.org.uk. It could be worth asking at your doctor's surgery for a list of voluntary counselling agencies in your area so you can talk everything through. All of these can help you break out of the isolated lifestyle you've been living. As you make more friends, you'll find more nurturing and more fun, and you'll feel better about yourself. Those steps will help you waste less time wishing your bf could be different so your mind is free to acknowledge what being with him is really like. Lonely. Dependent. Frustrating. Unfulfilling. Unsupportive. Unhappy.
Now I'm sure you don't want that kind of a relationship, but thinking back over the last 7 years will tell you that with this guy, that's what you've got. This isn't good love and all you'll be losing is the see-saw between hope and despair. You're a loyal, caring mum doing her best in difficult circumstances. You're obviously attractive or you wouldn't have had any partners at all. You deserve better! But with this guy, you're never going to get it. You wouldn't go to a shoe shop for a dozen eggs, would you? So why go to a selfish, deceitful, two-timing manipulator for good love?
The more you come to love and value yourself, the less you'll put up with his shenannigans. When you're free to find someone who's capable of giving good love, just weed out the ones who aren't. I know that sounds simplistic but it's true. Books like Are You the One for Me? by Barbara de Angelis and Women Who Love Too Much (and the men who love them) by Robin Norwood will help you develop self-esteem, select partners who are good for you and work out how to do equal-equal relationships. Don't look on a date as the answer to your prayers. It's just an hour or two in which you and the guy might enjoy yourselves and want to see each other again - or not. Neither of you has lost anything more than that couple of hours because the only person who defines you is you! Besides, as you expand your friendships, your girl pals will be there for you though men may come and go until you find the right one. Don't forget, good friendships are love too.
You deserve happiness and your kids deserve good parental role-models. Take care of yourself, Caroline, because you matter.
