How to cope with 4 kids - Agony Aunt

Dear Anne,
I have taken a pregnancy test and it's come back positive but I already have 3 young children.  I don't believe I can go through an abortion.  What can I do to cope?  Please help me.  Kerry

Dear Kerry,
Coping with three small children while pregnant is bound to be stressful.  Could it be that your hormones are giving you a hard time thinking positively?  But there is good news.  You have time to do your research, work out your plans and put them into operation.
    
Let's talk about resources.  Hopefully you have a partner from whom you can reasonably ask for support.  Friends and relatives may be glad to help out sometimes too.  Religious centres such as churches, mosques, synagogues and temples may offer parent and toddler groups where you can meet others with a view to sharing your experiences and hopefully making friends.  Generally you don't have to be a member of that faith to go to such groups.  They may also offer playgroups.  These are great both because the children get to practise their social skills and because other adults there may be good souces of companionship and advice.  If you are a single parent, www.gingerbread.org.uk is a wonderful resource both socially and practically.
    
www.mumsnet.com offers information and an online community where you can talk to other parents.  www.parentlineplus.org.uk lists resources and useful links and they have a great helpline on 0808 800 2222 - very useful, especially when you're feeling at the end of your tether!  They're non-judgmental and very supportive. 

www.direct.gov.uk/en/parents/index.htm is worth a visit, and includes information on benefits.  You may find SureStart of particular help.  They run children's centres in many areas, where you can find practical support, help and advice, and social opportunities for you and your kids.  SureStart staff can help people overcome difficulties and make transitions such as yours, from parenting 3 to parenting 4 children.  You can find them via  
www.direct.gov.uk/en/parents/preschooldevelopmentandlearning/nurseriesplaygroupsreceptionclasses/dg_173054 .  If you have a partner but would like him to work better with you, their parenting specialists or parenting classes could be just what you need.
    
If, after thinking about all this and doing your research, you're still reluctant to become a mother of four, you could go to www.careconfidential.com.  They offer support with unwanted pregnancies and an opportunity to discuss your options in a non-judgmental environment.  If you are still considering a termination, I hope you'll contact them, or the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (www.bpas.org) as soon as possible.
    
Let me pass on a piece of wisdom from a children's nurse who's had four children of her own.  Start weaning the existing children off you as soon as you know you're pregnant.  Obviously you're not going to be unkind to them but to minimise their jealousy, find them other sources of emotional support, comfort and fun.  That could be new friends, a new playgroup or nursery, or simply getting other relatives more involved.
    
Don't forget, you matter too!  You're not just a mother and a partner but a woman in your own right.  Hopefully you already have friends and interests of your own.  If you'd like more, the Meet-a-Mum Association (MAMA) could be useful.  You can ring their helpline on 0845 120 3746 Monday-Friday 7pm-10pm.
    
I wish you a pleasant life and the energy and support to enjoy your brood until it's time for you to reclaim your independence when they've joined the wider world of adulthood.  Good luck.

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