Dear Anne
I have been married for 36 years and have two children and two grandchildren. My problem is my husband's drinking. He has been drinking heavily for the last 15 years, which has destroyed our sex life and social life. We now sleep apart. I tried when the problem first became apparent to sort it out, but failed as he didn't consider he had a problem and still doesn't. As I had children to consider I let the problem ride and I did love him. The years have rolled on and now, in our late fifties with grandchildren, his drinking now seems to be affecting his moods. He can be very aggressive or doesn't remember things. At our New Year's family get-together he got drunk and fell asleep. We were all enjoying ourselves despite this, but when he woke he started shouting that the music was too loud and that he needed his sleep. The result was that he fell out with my daughter. This has now caused me to feel torn in two as she won't come to my home any more, therefore I do not now see my grandchildren very often unless I visit her. I have tried to heal the rift between them, but as her father has always been critical of her and she feels he has never liked her, the situation isn't altering. My husband has now announced that he doesn't know why we are bothering and that we should divorce and is now not speaking to me at all. I still care about him despite his drinking and do not know how to sort this out. Can you help? Claire
Dear Claire
I'm sorry that you are going through such pain and turmoil. Here are some thoughts that I hope will help you find a positive way forward.
When someone drinks to the extent that it alters his mood and affects his functioning, the drink also helps blot out of his awareness the difficulties it causes. That means that the greater the problems, the greater the drinking. With reason clouded it's all the harder to be aware of the problems, possible solutions, and even the powerful physical addiction to alcohol. Until he is willing to become aware of the consequences of his drinking, both in physical and emotional terms, you will not be able to make him see any of this.
However, the various programmes which address addiction share this message: the partner is not responsible for anyone else's drinking and has no control over it. It is not up to you to make him stop. It's impossible to make someone else quit an addiction. However, you may decide that you are no longer willing to protect your husband from the consequences of his actions. One of these consequences is the disruption of his family life.
Your daughter doesn't wish to visit the home of her addicted parent, especially as she sees him as someone critical who has not shown he likes her. This is her right, and with small children to care for, she may also see it as her duty. If you want to see her and her kids, I trust you feel welcome in her home and can talk about other, more pleasant things. But you are not responsible for healing the breach between her and your husband. If he chooses to do something about it himself, great! But will he see that if you attempt to act as conciliator?
It may be that your husband is not speaking to you because he doesn't want to be confronted, even in his own mind, by feelings of rejection. Whether or not that is the case, speculation is fruitless. He has found a way (another way?) to hurt you. Addicts very often find a way to project their negative feelings onto others. You may find that Al-Anon, the excellent support group for families of problem drinkers, can help you feel more calm, centered and on top of things. This will help you to find a postive way forward. You can find where your nearest branch meets by visiting their website at www.hexnet.co.uk/alanon/info.html , or by phoning 0207-403-0888. Al-Anon also offers helpful literature.
I'm sorry I can't offer you a quick-fix solution. However, Al-Anon can help you build up your confidence and make the best life for yourself that you can. I hope you are able to enjoy your children and grand-children and find other pleasures in life. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck! Back to Ask Anne
