Dear Anne
Am I better off without him? We have our arguments. He seems to think that it's my fault whatever is done. Sometimes it's only small things, for example, I've cooked his tea twenty minutes earlier and it's been left in the oven to keep warm, which might mean it's an hour before he gets round to eating it. He says he's not eating it because it's inedible, but if he's gone out for a drink or something after work, he's quite happy to eat his dinner then when it's been out in the open for at least two hours! He kind of plays mind-games!
He thinks most things are my fault, that none of it is his fault! He gets angry quickly and then will ignore me for days on end! There are lots of problems I could go on about, and much of it is personal. I used to be a strong person and know when something is not right. I have been with him four years! I have a previous child by someone else and one by him who is just over a year old. At the moment he is under pressure at work and is due to have an operation so there is a bit of stress every direction. I'm also having problems with my eight year old daughter. I don't know how much more I can take! Anon
Dear Anon
I do sympathise, and so will the thousands of other women in your situation! When someone consistently blames you, it can be hard to hold onto the fact that it's not all your fault particularly if it's not always safe to say so! By sulking and giving you the cold shoulder don't you think he is attempting to punish you into letting him have everything his own way? Your safety and that of your children is, of course, your prime consideration.
I invite you to think about those mind-games of his. The sad truth is that no-one can play mind-games alone. Either the other person (you!) give in and go along with them, in which case the mind-games are working and they'll keep happening. Is that the case? Or the other person (you?) attempts to buy affection, attention or loyalty with some behaviour. If that's the way it goes, does it get you what you want? If it doesn't, are you willing right now to do something different, such as to ask outright for what you want and negotiate to get it? But your safety comes first.
So let's look at your end of things. If you have a microwave, you can have his dinner ready for him in a minute or two, can't you? Or you can have his dinner ready for the time he says he'll come home. Then, if it's cold, is that your fault? I don't think so! Are there other strategies you can use to satisfy yourself that you have done everything reasonably well to keep things running smoothly?
It may help you to know that you are not responsible for his feelings or behaviour. He is. You can't make him feel or behave in any particular way. What he does and how he responds is entirely his choice. If he goes into one of his sulky silences, would you feel safe to say, I'm sorry you're upset. If yo're not willing to talk right now, I'll go and phone a friend/play with the children/read a magazine. Or whatever pleasant activity you choose. Just because he's feeling angry or miserable, it doesn't mean you have to feel bad too!
You say you used to be strong. I invite you to think how strong you still are. After all, you've put up with unpleasantness and still carried on with your responsibilities, haven't you? I call that heroic! But you may find it useful to attend a confidence or assertiveness class. Your local library or adult education centre will probably be able to tell you what's available. You can also work through self-help books like Women who love too much by Robin Norwood or The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield. You might also get a lot out of making new friends, perhaps with other mothers, so that you have support when you need it. While you may feel somehow ashamed because your husband behaves in these ways, you don't need to be. It's not your fault! He's an adult. He could do something different, couldn't he?
You are allowed to feel your feelings and know what you know. Just because he doesn't agree with something, it doesn't mean you're wrong! Your feelings will guide you if you listen to them. As you say you're getting to the point where you're not sure how much more you can take, wouldn't it be sensible to go and talk things over with your GP? She may be able to offer counselling or perhaps medication may be appropriate. In the meantime, is there anyone else who can help? Even if it's only getting another mother to child-mind for an hour or so to let you have a break, it could be just what you need. Who knows? Having your partner in hospital could be just the break you need!
I do hope, Anon, that you soon feel better and are willing to start considering other options. Marriage guidance counselling or separation are just two which are available when you're ready. Others might be finding a part-time job where you will feel valued and independent, having some therapy yourself to build up your self-esteem, or taking up a rewarding hobby. But isn't investing some of your time and energy into your own recovery your first step in deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life?
I wish you peace of mind, friendship, and the good nurturing love you deserve. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
