Dear Anne
My son's fiancee is going back to South Africa to live permanently. He says he is going to give up his job and follow her over there next year. We do not feel this would be good as her parents are not very supportive. My husband wants to dissuade him. What do you think? Lynne
Dear Lynne
Thank you for your question. It's less a matter of what I think, though, than of what your son thinks. As it stands his parents aren't accepting him as an adult or respecting his right to choose how to live his own life. I wonder how supportive he thinks that is. He is a man now, with plans of his own. Soon he will be married and setting up house, but he won't be marrying his in-laws, will he? As for other concerns you may have, there are plenty of jobs going and no doubt if this particular plan doesn't work out, he's smart enough to come up with another one. Millions of people live happily and safely in South Africa, but in any case accidents happen in the UK too. And who's to say your son and future daughter-in-law will choose to live overseas permanently?
I'm wondering if what's at the bottom of your apprehension is the fear of his abandoning you. I'm sure his going away is not meant as an abandonment, but you could say something like, I'm scared that when you go away we won't have any contact with you. Are you willing to give me some reassurance? No doubt he'll tell you that South Africa is only half a day by jet; that there are phones, text messages, fax, letters and email. He may even say, Thanks for your support, Mum and Dad. It's great that you back my plans.
I hope you all as a family can work through your fears and come out more united than ever even if it's at a distance geographically. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
