Dear Anne,
I'm 14 years old, and have been told many times I'm too young to be in love, but I am. He said he was in love with me too. But just this morning I see he has a girlfriend. We were talking about how he doesn't want to risk anything, but now I wish I'd said what was really going on in my mind which was, "What if we're meant to be and saying this is going to ruin our chance of true happiness?" I really don't know what to do. I've been going through some really bad things like cyber bullying but I've told my parents about that. It's just when I tell someone I love them I mean it, and if they say it back I expect them to mean it too. I'm really confused. Immy
Dear Immy,
My sympathy. First love is powerful and often painful, because few people end up with their first love. First love, though, may not be real love. For love to be real and lasting, both people actually need to want to be in that relationship and willing to put in the time and effort to make it mutually rewarding and stable.
Love isn't the same for everyone. Especially in the teens it can be a flash in the pan. Besides, not everyone is capable of offering love that feels good to the other person. It sounds like this is what's going on with you and this lad: he may have loved you for a while but he can't give you the stable, lasting love you want.
Would it have helped if you'd made that declaration? No. How you feel doesn't mean the other person will feel the same way. Declarations of love are best saved until you and the guy are already in a lasting relationship where he's earned your trust by putting in as much as you do; you have good mutual problem-solving skills; you show each other respect and value each other's feelings; you've let each other fully into your lives, meeting friends and parents etc...; and you both want the same things in the same time-scale.
That means most people go through quite a few relationships as rehearsals for when they find the lasting one. It's a fun and useful process. You get to practise being yourself in close relationships and you try out different types of feelings, different shades and styles of love. You learn that your self-esteem isn't "borrowed" just from someone paying you attention, though that's often nice. Knowing that your OKness doesn't depend on the opinion of some random lad is great because it means you'll survive the inevitable split-ups much more easily, and will be ready for a healthy, mutually satisfying and lasting relationship when you find one. Be aware that a date isn't a promise of eternal bliss! It's just a couple of hours that you and the lad may (or may not) want to repeat.
You're not responsible for the actions of the boy who's made a different choice. If you need some recovery time, be good to yourself! When you're ready, have a giggly night with your mates. Try new interests and expand your social circle. And never assume that a lad means the same thing by "love" as you do until he's proved that by his behaviour over at least a few months.
I'm sorry to hear about the cyber bullying. You did well to tell your parents. You and they might also like to go to www.bullying.co.uk and www.dcsf.gov.uk/bullying to find more about how you and they can work to keep you safe. I'm sure you're aware that nice people don't bully and you don't have to believe the nasty things bullies say. You deserve good treatment from pleasant people. Good luck.
