Dear Anne
I want to know how to improve my love-life with my fiancé. We have been together 5 years and have never had the honeymoon period. Before my partner I was very active and had male partners but he's not completely aware of this. I'm so confused! How can he love me so devotedly but hate making love to me so much? Samantha
Dear Samantha
I'm sorry you feel so bad about your love-life with your partner. However, his feelings about sex are very unlikely to be about you since he obviously loves you and shows it in the ways he comfortably can. Instead it's much more likely to be about his fears. Will he be able to rise to the occasion? Will he be able to satisfy you? Will he get satisfaction himself? Or will he feel a failure? I don't know why he's developed these anxieties around sex. It could be a physical problem but the most common difficulty for men is psychological in origin. Nevertheless, if the two of you are willing to address the difficulty together, there may well be a solution.
Firstly he needs to talk this over with his doctor. This will either identify or eliminate a physical cause. Thereafter the two of you could go to Relate (www.relate.org.uk) for psychosexual counselling. This doesn't involve any sexual activity in the counselling room, just talking so the two of you learn how to relax and find sexual pleasure together. There is a very high success rate.
Now a little about you. It's important that you don't compare him unfavourably with previous partners, or become blameful of yourself or him. You need to accept completely that his sexual interest (or lack of it) is very unlikely to be about you, nor meant to build a chasm between you. The reluctance or even inability to discuss sex is a part of many men's problems. He's probably extremely unhappy about his difficulties but he's probably been too scared to discuss them in case you pack him in.
Your joint sex-life is exactly that: joint. You are both going to need to make mental and behavioural adjustments if you're to improve your love-life. But if both of you are willing, you could look forward to a happier future together. Good luck.
