Dear Anne,
What should I say to my girlfriend if I want us to get out more and she won't? I can't convince her to get out of the house. We've been together 2 years and only really go out and have fun once every 5 months. How can I get her out of the house to have a good night out?
Ryan
Dear Ryan,
I'm sorry you and your girlfriend have been having difficulties organising mutually satisfactory social outings. Solving this will depend on different factors.
Does your gf go out to work? If so, is she confident doing this? If the answer to both these questions is yes, then it's worth asking her why she'd rather stay at home than go out, with you or her friends. Could it be that your idea of a good night out isn't the same as hers? Would she prefer going to a different kind of place or an event such as the theatre, cinema or for a meal? Does she have any reason to doubt your behaving in socially acceptable ways on outings? Would you be willing sometimes to go to her style of events with her rather than always doing what you have done so far? Would she be happier going out with friends as well as with you? Would she in particular be happier if alcohol didn't figure in outings? In which case, compromise and variation could be useful.
However, it could be that there are practical problems. How are yours and her finances? Is money an issue? How about having friends round for a meal or to share a takeaway? Do outings have to involve expense? How about going for a walk in the park or the country? If you have children, do you know reliable and affordable childminders? Is she too tired at the end of the day, or facing a sleepless night with children? Is she unwilling to leave the kids safely even for an hour or two?
If she's reluctant to leave the house for any reason, with or without you, could she be suffering from some degree of agoraphobia (fear of open or crowded spaces) or social phobia (fear of social interaction)? In which case, be supportive and don't force her. Encourage her to seek help, initially from her doctor. She may find the website at www.paniccure.com extremely useful. Don't take it personally! You can't fix her, but you can be understanding and supportive. These conditions can be overcome so the person can feel confident and enjoy a full life once more, but given the nature of these upsetting irrational fears it's not always easy to seek help at first.
I wish your gf confidence and the two of you a more constructive dialogue so you can each get more of what you want. Good luck.
Anne
