Dear Anne
I can't get over my boyfriend. I broke up with him five months ago, and it's getting worse. I'm 18 and we were seeing each other for nearly two years. The relationship was really unhealthy and obsessive. He was my first boyfriend and we were absolutely besotted with each other. We were together every day. About a year into the relationship it got really abusive and out of control. I had no friends left after spending all my time with him because he wouldn't allow me to see them. I felt alone, depressed and had no self esteem left. I took my anger out on him but he refused to leave me because he said he loved me and couldn't live without me. I just wanted to get away from the relationship entirely. I tried to break up with him several times but he just kept breaking down and I got scared. When I finally did manage to end it with him, my life really changed for the better.
I got my friends back, I started being a whole person again and was enjoying my independence, going out all the time and meeting other boys. Meanwhile my ex-boyfriend was in a right state. He was right, he couldn't live without me. He started drinking and smoking, hardly left the house and stopped going to school. I was worried about him, but in a horrible way his weakness made me stronger and I felt like a better person because I was visibly dealing with it much better. But 5 months later, the novelty has worn off.
I see him around school and he looks like a stranger. Its so painful to look at his eyes and think about how much we loved each other, and now we don't even speak. I feel so alone, and suddenly I can't stop thinking about him. Constantly. How do I get over a relationship...what can I do? I never thought it would be this difficult, I can't forget him. And I heard that he might be seeing another girl which absolutely tears me apart.
When I heard I started shaking to think of him with someone else, getting on with his life. I just want to move on, forget about him. He's going to university next year. Should I talk to him before he goes or is that a bad idea? Vicky
Dear Vicky
Thank you for your letter. I'm so glad you had the strength to get out of a controlling and abusive relationship and start reclaiming your life. But I do understand how hard it can be to let go.
Often it's because in unhealthy relationships people hand over responsibility for their self-esteem and their feelings to their partner. It can seem like you're almost literally part of each other so when the relationship ends, people can feel like they're now missing a piece of themselves and find it hard to cope alone. Do you think that could be why your ex started to act in dysfunctional ways? In a moment we'll look at what you and he might have got out of that pattern. In the symbiotic link between you, you say you became scared for him as well as feeling one up because you were visibly dealing better with it.
In other words, weren't you still looking at things from what you imagine is his perspective? Isn't that almost as though you were allowing what he does to be a part of your life? When he started going out with someone else, did you believe there's something wrong with you? Does all this ring any bells with you? If so, what can you do about it? Each time you wanted to break up with him, wasn't it your taking responsibility for his feelings that kept you together a little longer? Didn't it help you feel valued and him feel a little more secure? This is a common but unhealthy pattern, as you'll realise. It's worth realising that relationship games are carried on outside conscious awareness. But by doing what the other person wants you get less of what you want and you end up with low self-esteem. People who behave abusively often want to isolate their partner. Their surface belief is that they just want more time together to share more love but the effect is to allow their control to be undiluted by other people or even by self-respect. Do you think this what was going on between you and your ex?
I'm sure you and this guy did love each other but there's a big difference between good and bad love. Good love isn't just words or feelings. It's also a consistent package of actions which show mutual respect and caring. Good love feels stable and secure. Being together is comfortable, not threatening, invasive or controlling. With good love you can relax and be yourself since you feel wholly accepted for who you are. You can enjoy together time and apart time, and as you both know you can trust each other there's no need for jealousy or possessiveness. Good love's both a refuge and a springboard.
So what can you do to start feeling better? Awareness is the first step. The next could be to build up your self-esteem independently of this guy. Your new and renewed friendships will let you know you're with people who like and respect you, so you can start taking in the idea that you're likable, valuable and important to yourself and others. Unless your ex has taken some therapy, how he treated you is likely to be how he treats this other girl once he's hooked her in. Meantime you had good qualities and skills before you met him. You still have those, plus what you've acquired in the meantime.
Another useful realisation is that you're the one who chooses what you think. Nobody can stop thoughts popping into their head but you can choose which ones you'll lay down the welcome mat for! When the idea of him occurs, why not decide to think, Being with him was hurtful and I'm glad I got free. Then you can deliberately think of something else. You say, Seeing them together tears me apart. I'd like to challenge that. What you choose to think (probably about yourself in relation to him) is what you're responding to emotionally, wouldn't you say? Accounting your good qualities will help you update those old thoughts.
