Dear Anne,
My geography teacher hates me because he found out I had feelings for him seven months ago. Now, even though he knows I don't have those feelings for him, he has decided to refuse me geography at higher level. We used to have a great teacher-pupil relationship and now he won't even look at me. I even took an overdose to show how much pain I am in and nothing was changed about the situation. Well I can't deal with it any more. Now it has spread round my school that I am suicidal and that I self-harm (it's true but I don't know how it got out). It is unbelievable unfair and I am not going to let him treat me like that for another year. He needs to treat me like every other pupil. I miss him so much (as my teacher) and I would rather be dead than be treated like this for another year. I have a counsellor, I have been to the doctor, hospital and also seen a psychologist. What can I do now as my last attempt to change my life? T
Dear T,
I'm glad you're being offered the help you need. Whether or not you've been using that help is another matter.
You want to change your life. That starts with changing the way you think. Are you really surprised this teacher wants to keep you at arm's length? I doubt he hates you but your behaviour has invited him into a situation where his professional reputation, even his job and his standing in the community, could be at risk. You have attempted to manipulate others by your overdose, but they aren't responsible for your thoughts, feelings and actions. You are. How could a male teacher feel safe around a manipulative crusher who puts herself at risk?
That doesn't mean you have to stay stuck. You could talk to your head of year, explaining calmly how you feel, what you've changed and what you want. Obviously you'd have to avoid blameful, critical statements. S/he may then feel able to trust you to behave in more adult ways from now on, but there are no guarantees. What is true is that the more you display adult responsibility rather than poor emotional management and moral blackmail, the more people will treat you as a responsible adult.
This isn't the chance you'll have to change your life. Life lasts a long time - unless you do something daft. Every day offers new beginnings. This guy is not the only geography teacher in the world, nor is this the only school. There's probably a college or evening class where you could pursue your geography A level while you're in the sixth form, or even afterwards. There are books, educational programmes on TV and internet/distance learning. If you really want to learn geography, you will - and by your own actions rather than by sulking or emotional blackmail.
I know you've felt stuck in a painful situation. But the one who's been keeping you stuck is you. The desperation that leads some people to self harm is unpleasant - but you can overcome it as others have. Your counsellor can help if you choose to let him or her do so. The websites at www.selfharm.net and www.siari.co.uk also offer ways of managing your feelings in constructive, problem-solving ways.
I wish you the courage to make the transition to maturity so you can invite greater happiness and success into your life. Good luck.
Anne
