Dear Anne,
I've been in love with my friend for four years now. If you think that's bad, there's more to come: I'm gay and he's straight! He was aware of the situation years ago and was really understanding and he only asked that I wouldn't tell anyone else of my feelings. Our friendship has grown since we met over 8 years ago and so have my feelings. I am now at a point where I feel miserable and depressed every time he gets a new girlfriend or sees others friends and not me. But then when I'm with him, below the surface level happiness I still have this dull heartache which cripples me when we part. For years I've beaten myself up about the feelings because of just how pathetic I must look to my friends that know about my feelings and because I'm scared I might lose him as a friend somehow and be left heart-broken, and mostly because I know how ridiculous it is that I think or wish he might feel the same. I am sick of feeling sad and lonely when I think about him but don't want to lose my feelings in case miraculously he might feel the same! How do I make the feelings stop? Please help me, Anne, because I'm at breaking point. Or am I beyond help? Many thanks, Chris
Dear Chris,
I appreciate that you've spent a long time tearing yourself apart, but you're not beyond help. You can change your feelings - if you let yourself.
You've been building a house of cards on your feelings rather than the reality that your mate is straight. You haven't wanted to stop because you generate a lot of pleasure from your hopes and fantasies, and because your infatuation protects you from the fear of rejection and the difficulties of real-life relationships. Besides, your friendship with this guy is important to you. You may have kidded yourself that unrequited love is romantic and demands fidelity despite the pain. You've felt that somehow your love might turn your mate gay if only you love him hard enough - but after all this time you know it isn't going to happen, not least because he likes having girlfriends. No doubt you've also invested a lot of your identity in being the guy your mate could eventually come to love, and you've somehow felt that letting go of that hope would mean you're neither worthy nor lovable.
But you're still a guy your mate enjoys being friends with. You're still the friend other people like. You still have all the good qualities and skills you always did. You're intelligent and you've started seeking solutions, so good for you! It's great that you're starting to believe in yourself.
Chris, you deserve good love. But by hanging onto your illusion, you've been stopping yourself finding it. The next time you find yourself diving into your mental fantasy, you have choices. Follow it like you always have and the short-term happiness will mean long-term pain. Or do something different. Transmute the image of the one you fancy into some other nice, friendly, handsome guy. Change the parameters. Make your fantasy about a guy who's already gay and who's looking for love from someone loyal like you. If thoughts of your mate intrude, remind yourself he's unavailable so think again about someone who is available to you. You might go to www.llgs.org.uk, the website of the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard, or look up the number of your local Gay Switchboard to discuss all this. You won't be the only person who's been down this path - and then rescued himself! When you're ready, go somewhere you're likely to meet other gay men. Date - but keep yourself safe!
Be aware that lots of people want random sex rather than relationships. Therefore start with casual dating where you get to weed out the ones who aren't right for you. That's fine, because that's what other people do too. After all, you're each allowed your own preferences so if it doesn't work out after a date or two, no harm done. Neither of you classifies the other's worth or lovability! It's helpful to lend the other person a bit of trust and see if he earns it out. Does he do what he says when he says? Does he treat you with respect? Does he share your values and attitudes to money, work, friends, alcohol and drugs, family, religion, honesty, love, fidelity and sex? Is he open and trustworthy? Does he put half into the relationship? Does he gradually let you fully into his life and come fully into yours? Does he help you and accept your help in return? Only when the questions about help have been answered positively in both small and large matters is it a good idea to entertain the idea of lovemaking. People who push for sex before relationship want just that: sex and not love. And before you get into full-on sex, make sure you've agreed how you're going to keep yourselves safe. Doing it in that order means you won't confuse love and lust.
Is dating easy? Not if you hang your sense of personal OKness primarily on being loved by one particular person out of all the people in the world. But dating is only one aspect of life. You're OK because you're a man, a friend, a relative, a colleague, a person with interests and abilities. Once you've had a few casual dates, you'll discover that it's quite fun really.
It all starts with liking yourself. If that's a challenge for you, research confidence-building. Paul McKenna's Confidence book + hypnotic CD could be a good place to start. And ask your friends and perhaps your family what they like about you too. Then be good to yourself! Find other ways of getting happiness so you don't blank the rest of life. Good luck.
