Dear Anne,
I'm 25. I've just come out of a long-term relationship of 8 years. This man was my only lover. During the last years he would not have sex with me. He made every excuse in the book such as I was too demanding, then he would say he wanted me to seduce him, then he would say that he didn't like it when I acted "like a slut". He blamed me for his low sex drive. Now that I'm single again I have an intense fear of rejection from men. Even when I want physical contact from a man who is obviously interested I get intensely nervous and find a way to run away. I don't want to go through that pain and humiliation again, even though I do wish to have a healthy sex life. I don't know how to get rid of this fear. Regina
Dear Regina,
I'm so sorry you've experienced such confused and hurtful treatment from your ex. Please be aware, though, that you are not responsible for his sex-drive. He was so upset at his inability to perform that he tried to hand you the blame. While you stayed with him you took his words on board and tried to believe all of them, even though he contradicted himself. But you don't have to look at things his twisted way. Now I hope you'll mentally hand him back his silly thoughts. You could write them down and then one by one read them out, tearing that one off the sheet and saying out loud, "This was your twisted thought. I don't want it and I'm giving it back to you." You could destroy each as you do them. You don't need him to be physically present while you do this, nor speak to him about it at all.
Other than accepting this boundary between your responsibilities and the man's, there are two futher things you can do to help yourself be confident again. Firstly, at a time when you're not likely to be disturbed, contact that fear. Experience it fully. Then write down the thoughts that prompt it. Make sure you attribute them to the right person! e.g. "Fred said ... but that's his thought. I know I'm attractive because I've had several boyfriends who fancy me. I know lots of men enjoy sex. I know some men actually want to make love with me, and some men are capable of it. I have the right to decide what I do with my body, and with whom."
But most importantly, pace yourself. OK, have a snog and perhaps a bit of petting, but get the relationship firmly in place before you get intimately physical. That way it's really making love with someone who has earned your trust, rather than a quick, meaningless leg-over. Talk about sex before you and the guy decide to make love. How often does he like it? (You might discount any expected tendency to exaggerate!) How often did he and his exes make love? Does it match the pattern of your libido? What does he think about having sex? Is it just a physical act or does it have emotional content? Does he believe in fidelity? How will you have safe sex? Once you and he can talk about sex, tell him a bit about your ex's difficulties and his hurtful attempts to shift the blame onto you. Does your new boyfriend support you and show sympathy? All this will help him earn your trust.
Then take the actual sex slowly, over several months. Build up from petting to greater intimacy. Anyone who's pushing you into something you're not ready for isn't taking your feelings seriously so consider giving him the boot. You matter! You deserve good love from someone who's capable of giving it. Let him know what you like and ask him what he likes. Together you could build something wonderful - so long as you're both on the same page.
If you still have any fears by that point, you might have a couple of sessions with a practitioner of neuro-Linguistic programming who have some quick and effective ways of overcoming irrational fears. I wish you a great deal of pleasure as you rebuild your confidence without your ex's distorted views spoiling things for you. Good luck and have fun!
