Dear Anne,
I'm 17 and my girlfriend is 18. We have been together for over six months and things are going so well. But as you can imagine she is starting to ask me for sex. This wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't so worried about doing it. It's not the thought of not knowing what I am doing, it's just the thought of splitting her labia and recently I have become very anxious at the thought of vaginas. I have only ever had one sexual experience and this went very wrong. I do not wish to discuss what happened that night but it has well and truly put me off sex. I have tried talking to my girlfriend about these issues but I find it hard as I am very embarrassed about my first time. What makes it harder for me is that all my friends have good sex lives and talk a lot about it. I need help with this problem as I don't want to lose my girlfriend. Thanks. Dan
Dear Dan,
I'm so sorry your first experience of sex was such an unhappy one. There a number of things you can now do to help yourself enjoy closeness and lovemaking in the future.
Your mates may talk about their wonderful sex lives but generally people who need to talk about it aren't actually very good at it. Most young men brag and claim they're superstuds when in fact they're just fumbling around or not even having sex at all. Once people start making love for real, they don't share their private lives with others. Apart from anything else, it's disrespectful to your partner.
You don't say what happened on your first sexual encounter, only that it's put you off. But it's important not to generalise. This was only a single beginner's encounter with a person who wasn't very kind to you. Everyone has to learn, and most first attempts aren't that great. No one is born good at sex. Like riding a bicycle it's not that easy at first but once you're used to it, you'll be fine.
It would be very useful for you to do some research. Getting a working knowledge of a woman's sex-organs would be a good start. Knowing more about your own sexual organs and what gives you pleasure will help too. You'll find it very useful to get hold of a book like The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort which offers clear, unthreatening information on how to share pleasure with your body and a woman's.
As for this fear of vaginas, it's not that uncommon. We often fear the unknown and make scary images of it in our minds. But you don't have to go straight into penetrative sex. That wouldn't be fulfilling for either of you. More useful would be to start with kissing and caressing, which helps relax both of you and get you ready for more. Then, gradually and at a pace you feel comfortable with, you could allow your gf to guide your hand a bit closer to her sex organs. Go gently! It's sensitive down there, just as your own private parts are sensitive - and thus fairly easy to stimulate. At each session you could go a little further. Once you're comfortable exploring her sex with your fingers you'll find it's not scary because it'll be known territory. Nor does penetration have to be done all at once. The first time you only need to touch your penis to her private parts and then go on to other forms of caress. The next time you might go in an inch or so. Build up gradually so you regain confidence. Don't forget that manual or oral stimulation can also give great pleasure to both of you. Penetration isn't the be-all and end-all of a fulfilling sex-life.
However, intimacy is far more about emotional openness than it is about bodies. If you don't explain your previous hesitancy your gf may take it that you don't find her appealing, don't want to further the relationship or are in another relationship that means more to you. You don't have to go into lots of detail. All you need to say is that you've had one bad experience so you're rather shy when it comes to making love, so you'd like her support, understanding and help. Do give her plenty of verbal compliments and the kinds of caresses you're ready for. They'll reassure her that you do find her attractive. In time making love will become just that: an expression of mutual caring, comfort and closeness.
It's vital to discuss and agree how you'll have safe sex before going any further. Lots of people are nervous at first when it comes to talking about such things, so some dim lighting and one or two glasses of wine (not more! You need to keep a clear head) could get you started. Working together, you and your loving gf can almost certainly get you past your old unnecessary habit of fear.
If the two of you can't work past it in a month or so, it's time to seek professional help. Relate (www.relate.org.uk) offer psychosexual counselling to both individuals and couples, and at a sliding scale to make it affordable. In the counselling room you'll simply talk. Any physical exercises (which, by the way, are fun, safe and good at building confidence and trust) are done in the privacy of your own home.
It's great that you've had the courage and sense to write in and find how to start laying your old fears to rest. The sooner you and your gf work past them, the more pleasure you'll have in the future. And remember! Nice girls will be supportive and loving. Good luck.
