Dear Anne,
I feel guilty all the time, even when people are trying to be nice to me, and it frustrates people. This only makes me feel more guilty, and so it goes on. This has gone on for about six months now and is only getting worse. Is this normal for a teenager, and how can I feel less guilty? Jeff
Dear Jeff,
Well yes, quite a few teens feel this way at some point although the majority don't, but more important than normality is whether it's comfortable for you and those around you. Which it isn't. So wouldn't it make sense to update your unhelpful habits of thinking?
You could start by writing down a list of everything you feel guilty about. You might stick it away in a drawer and add to it over several days. Then set aside an hour or two to go over your list, answering the following questions for each of your points: Is this behaviour realistically my responsibility? How does feeling guilty about this help me or others?
You see, guilt has a social function: to make us behave in socially acceptable ways so we can feel accepted and good about ourselves. If someone is upset about something you've done, think about it. Then decide whether you want (a) to apologise to the person and (b) to make amends. If you've stood on someone's foot, then it makes sense for you to apologise. If they've stood on your foot, then the apology needs to come from them rather than you. Once you've acted constructively on that message, you don't need to hang onto the guilt.
What you've described, though, is inappropriate guilt. It stems from distorted thinking. Many people grow up holding onto unhealthy childhood beliefs like everyone else is more important than me; everyone else is better than me; I don't deserve anything good; my feelings don't count; I can't think how resolve emotional difficulties; or I'm not allowed to belong. When we're little, the big, powerful adults around us can tell us off and make us do things. We look to them for guidance, and can feel inferior in consequence of all this. But as we mature, we can realise that actually: I'm just as important as anyone else. I don't have to be perfect because nobody else is. I can be OK and still work on building behaviours and beliefs that are more useful to me. My feelings are a useful source of information so I can decide how or whether to take action on them. I'm allowed to belong with nice, accepting people. I invite you to read those permissions out loud to discover which ones you feel uncomfortable about. Write your permissions out and read them aloud often. At first you may need to soften them with "I'm now learning to ..." or even "I now want to start learning to ..." You could leave copies in your underwear drawer or on your mirror, anywhere you might frequently come across them to remind yourself that they are true.
Note that this is about taking ownership of your thoughts, feelings and actions. There is no objective "it" swooping down from outside you to "make" you feel as you have been doing. You now have the choice to combat unhealthy thoughts and start replacing them with helpful ones.
Also you're not responsible for other competent adults. If they choose to be nice to you, accept graciously and thank them! They think you deserve it. Somewhere in the world, then, are people who do believe you deserve happiness. Who are you to tell them they're wrong?
Even if in the past your parents have guilt-tripped you into working harder or whatever, wasn't that because they want you to give yourself the best chance of being happy and successful in your own way? That'll be because they know you're lovable and worthy!
Jeff, if you need my permission to be happy, you have it. I hope you give yourself that permission too. Liking and valuing yourself is the most important lesson you'll ever learn. Good luck.
