Dear Anne,
My family is falling apart. Last month, my step-brother, C, committed suicide. Ever since then, everybody has been fighting or crying all of the time. Recently my other brother overdosed on heroine, twice. My mother and step-father won't stop fighting, and it's causing the kids to take sides. My mom and dad are talking about divorce now. How do I keep my family together? I love them all, whether they're step-siblings or not. Please help me. I'm desperate to turn back time and make it how it used to be. Kate
Dear Kate,
I grieve for you, both with your step-brother's suicide and with the devastation and upheaval left in the wake of that. As you can see, many adults have a great deal of difficulty in coming to terms with a relative's suicide, especially if it's one of their own children. It's hardly surprising therefore that it and the aftermath are a struggle for you and your siblings too.
Will things ever go back to exactly how they were? I'm not being unkind when I say I hope not. Something somewhere was a problem or your family would be able to work together more harmoniously even in such painful circumstances. It is after all natural for people to be stressed in stressful situations. What I hope is that you all, as a family, learn to work together to overcome stresses and emotional problems.
It is not, and never could be, your responsibility to hold the family together. Nor is it in your power. It's your parents' job, but sadly your mum and step-dad are too wound up in their own stuff to be much help to you or your siblings. They probably also lack the skills, not because they're evil or uncaring but because they weren't taught these skills in their families of origin. There is nothing worse than having to deal with the voluntary death than one of your own children, and potentially two. Nobody is prepared for this. Nor for the voluntary death of a sibling. I sincerely pity them as well as you and your siblings, including your troubled surviving brother.
You may suggest, to your most approachable co-parent first, that as you're all having difficulties coming to terms with your grief, it would be a good idea to have some counselling. Reassure them that this isn't a criticism, it's a source of help and support at this difficult time. Counselling can't change what's happened but in sessions the client/s can learn to make new decisions about themselves, other people and their place in the world so they feel more able to deal with their difficulties constructively. Your mum and dad may be willing to find some family therapy, perhaps via Relate (www.relate.org.uk) which offers a sliding scale of fees which take into account the family's circumstances. Sadly family therapy on the NHS is likely to involve a waiting list of months or even years, and while Relate will almost certainly have a waiting list, it's likely to be considerably shorter. Meantime either or both of your co-parents may wish to find an individual counsellor or have couples counselling. Private practitioners are likely to have the shortest waiting lists. Generally prospective clients are allowed to ring up to talk to the therapist to see if it's someone they're comfortable working with. Yellow Pages have lists under Counselling & Advice or your parents may wish to email admin@ita.org.uk to ask for a list of those in your area. There may also be voluntary (i.e. free) counselling services available. Your GP surgery should be able to offer a list of these.
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f your mum and stepdad do decide to split up, the website at www.divorceaid.co.uk offers practical information and emotional support for both adults and children.
Meantime what of you yourself? Hopefully you have people with whom you can talk about all this. Lots of people of all ages have to deal with arguing or separating parents so please don't feel like you're the only one. There's no need for you to feel ashamed or embarrassed. Friends or friends' parents could be helpful. Just tell them that you know they can't solve your problems but if they could just offer you a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, that would be great. You can talk to the school or works nurse or counsellor, but you may want to check out their rules on confidentiality first. Connexions, the teen helpline, can also offer support on 080 800 13 2 19. You (and other family members) may wish to go to www.uk-sobs.org.uk, the website of Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, who operate a helpline on 0844 561 6855 from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. every day. In some areas there are support groups. There is also useful information at http://www.webhealth.co.uk/a_to_z_of_health/support_after_suicide.asp.
If your mum or stepdad try to involve the kids or get them or you to take sides in their disputes, it's OK to say, "Mum/Dad, I love you both so I'm not going to take sides." Then go to another room and involve yourself in something as absorbing as possible.
I hope you will also do your best to recognise that you have no reason to feel guilty, though this is common after a bereavement, particularly a bereavement by suicide. You are entitled to recover. It's not a betrayal of the person who has died. It's OK to let go of grief and hang onto any good memories of C. You are entitled to rebuild your life with a new place in it for his memory. You're allowed to laugh, have fun, have interests and invest in your education/career, build or strengthen friendships and other loves. You're allowed to be successful in your endeavours. You're allowed to have and enjoy a life of your own. Step by step you will get there, whether or not your parents stay together.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I wish you all healing and the courage to live again. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck.
