Dear Anne
My wife left me and my 3 teenage sons almost a year ago now. She set up home with another man and we are still on amiable terms. I recently started seeing another woman. Since she found out, my wife started saying that she always wanted to come back and try again. She says she doesn't really love her new guy and that she's told him that she's given him up to June (or when they come back from holiday together) to see if their relationship will really work. In reality she always made it clear that she was never coming back to me and in honesty that signal helped me move on (although I was devastated at the time ). She seems very concerned as to how my current relationship is developing. My sons stay with her whenever they want and they get on well with her new boyfriend. There's probably a dozen points I've omitted but in this short outline do you think my wife is being genuine or is it simply a reaction to me seeing someone else and her guilt rising to the surface. The "nasty" person in me is saying she's only doing this so she can turn the table and tell everyone, "I tried, but he found someone else and he wasn't interested." Like I say we still speak and are great friends and I don't really want to risk that (as well as the fact we share 3 great kids ) by confronting her, but I find myself in an abyss and need to move on. Plus it's really not fair on my new girlfriend who is completely unaware of these issues, again for many reasons, one being I don't want her to feel threatened (and dump me when the whole thing is a charade and I don't really know if I want my wife back after what she did to me) and also I really don't want her to dislike my wife. Hope this makes some sort of sense to you. I welcome your thoughts. Thank you. Daniel
Dear Daniel
There's your wife - and don't you think you could call her your ex now that she's left you and has been living with another guy for a while? - there's your wife acting like a dog in a manger. A dog doesn't eat hay but sits on it stopping the cattle from eating what they need. It's a bit perverse, don't you think? And there's you, who've done a great job of moving on. You've managed an amicable split (though it was probably bumpy at first when she chose to devastate you by leaving you) and you've created good, shared, responsible co-parenting. You've got a new girlfriend, and great! I hope that works out for you. It may, or it may not, but only time will tell. So why is your ex suddenly doing all this wanting you back?
People don't always understand their own motivations. She may genuinely believe that because her her new relationship isn't as good as she hoped she wants you back. It doesn't mean it's fair of her, though. Both leaving you and setting up with a new guy give pretty clear messages, don't they? She could have chosen to stay with you (as she'd promised in her vows) and to work out any problems she had with you.
