Dear Anne,
I'm a 15 year old boy. I am very gifted at some things and not so good at others. I've always been a sociable person, excelling at acting and people skills. I used to be obese at my last school, but a psychological obsession pre-occupied me with nothing but weight loss, believing it to be the resolution of all my problems. Upon joining my current school, I made myself part of a friendgroup whose interests are football, xbox and taking the mick out of each other - completely normal, teenage things that I share an interest in. However, for a while I've felt the 'odd one out' and have grown timid in social situations. I have even struggled to get above a C in drama as a result of this sudden shyness. This feeling has resulted in tears even at the slightest thing, sometimes resulting in long periods of crying and unsurety. One thing that has troubled me is my big brother moving to Seattle with his wife. I'm very happy for him, but feel pressured to stay in the UK with my parents, despite intending to live in the US. My parents and I have had many arguments in the past that have resulted in me using a great deal of abusive language, something that, for the most part, was simply habit. I am a very sensitive person, but sensitive is not the opposite of confident. I am sure that I am both. I desperately need advice. Does it seem to you that my friends hate me, or is it just the same as the banter they share with each other? Should I feel guilty for intending to move to Seattle? And does swearing at my parents out of stress and mostly habit make me the terrible person that it often makes me feel? I would be thankful if you could point me in the right direction.
Andrew
Dear Andrew,
What you describe is pretty normal. Most teens have difficulties coming to terms with their new bodies, their new hormones, their new emotions. Voices break, hair grows, spots erupt ... The teens can be a difficult time. You're making the transition from the dependency of childhood, where you're at first defined mostly by your family, to adulthood, where you have to stand on your own two feet. In the process you separate out from your family/parents and compete for your place in the pecking-order amongst your mates. Which is where all those bantering put-downs come from. You're not the only lad who cries about such remarks, usually (but not always) in secret. They are your mates. They wouldn't hang around with you at all if they didn't like you. But they're not perfect, they're not clones of you, and like all of us they start from their own paranoia. The trick is to hold onto your confidence: the knowledge of what is good about you, your skills, your interests, sociability, your intelligence and capabilities, and to continue to develop them. You don't have to be perfect because no one else is, and you can learn if you choose to. Accepting that you're allowed to be good at some things and not so good at others will help you repel those teasing remarks you've found hurtful. Obviously boasting ("I'm better than you at X") is going to alienate others, but you're allowed to be quietly confident about your good points. Enjoy the good times with your friends and realise the teasing is just that. It's certainly not meant really to hurt you!
One of your skills has been acting. Actually, being shy can help because you then leave your own persona behind and take on the character's. It's not you on stage, it's the role. Remember times when you've done well. Remember how good you felt. Build a clear mental picture of those times using all your senses and step into it before you go on stage. Also ask your drama teacher for tips to overcome stage-fright. It's common enough for there to be loads of techniques. You might research NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) to find more.
Are you a bad person because you've sworn at your parents? No. But swearing at your parents is a bad thing to do. You feel guilty afterwards because you've upset the people who care about you. Also swearing demonstrates a lack of articulacy. So it's a behaviour you could usefully address.
Is it wrong for you to want to live in the US? No. You're increasingly an adult and taking responsibility for your own life. It doesn't mean your parents want their only remaining child to move far away, though. For now, it makes sense not to bang on about how wonderful you think the States are and how much you're looking forward to freedom, because they'll find that hurtful. If you do decide to try living abroad when the time comes, you can reassure them that you love them, you're grateful to them for all they've done and you want to stay in touch. There's Skype phones, email, texts, phone-calls, letters, Facebook ...
Hopefully you've maintained a healthy weight, especially now you're more active. Obsession doesn't help anyone! You will survive your teenage years and work to become the man you've always wanted to be. It can be a bumpy ride - but it's great learning experience for actors! All the best.
Anne
