Domineering boyfriend - Agony Aunt

Dear Anne,
In my relationship it seems to me like he just takes without giving.  I always do what he wants me to do even if I don't like it.  But when I ask him to do something I want to do, he complains and moans until I give in.  He always borrows money from me and he has a right go at me if I say no to anything.  I don't know what to do as I just feel guilty all the time.  I love him but I don't have a say in anything really and if I try to explain to him, he won't get it and goes in a mood until I give in.  I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don't know what to do seeing as I can't keep going on like this. Please help!  Kia

Dear Kia,
Far from ideal, isn't it?  But you've discovered that you can't change him.  The only person you can change is yourself.  I'm sorry it sounds so confrontational but haven't you been conspiring in your own oppression?  Let's see how that works.

He sulks.  You give in.  He makes demands you don't like.  You give in.  You ask for something, he has a strop and you give in.  He asks for money.  You give in.  He gets angry.  You give in.  I do sympathise.  I know you feel bad about this and you feel guilty if he's unhappy.  But it's not your job to make him happy.  He's responsible for his own feelings, thoughts and actions.  You're responsible for yours.

So, your guilty feelings.  They're yours, not his.  You've been "programmed" to put others' feelings first, and that's fine ... so long as the other person has too.  Sometimes we are victims because we choose to be.  Counselling is one solution.  It could help you realise that you're just as important and lovable as anyone else.  And that you're not dependent on this one guy's opinion out of all the people on earth.  Unless you listen to all your feelings, not just the ones you think you're "supposed" to feel, you're likely to stay stuck in a frustrating and undermining relationship with a selfish bully.  You can practise saying no (perhaps with mates making silly requests like "Will you iron my goldfish?") and not fretting if he sulks or yells.  All you need to do then is say something like, "I can see you're upset so I'll leave you to calm down" and go and do something nice for yourself.

While you're building up the courage to walk away from him (because after all your best efforts at redressing this imbalance in your relationship he's not budged), why not spend more time on yourself?  On building up your friendships with nourishing people?  On finding ways to develop your self-esteem?  On new interests which will help you widen your social circle?  Books like Women Who Love Too Much (and the men who love them) by Robin Norwood could be just what you need.