Dear Anne
My girlfriend and I have a great relationship. I am 24, she's 23, and we have been dating for about a year. We communicate well, we're totally connected emotionally and are great friends. However, I feel we have come to a stand-still and I don't know what to do. She has very little sex drive but mine is fairly high. She says this is due to her having been raped by her ex-boyfriend, saying she has trust issues. I have accepted this problem and offered her my dedication. There seems no means to an end. I have seen no progress and she has made no effort to seek professional help. I understand this costs quite a bit, however, it's been a year. I don't want sex, or the lack thereof, to decide what type of relationship I have. But I am having a hard, hard time accepting the fact that my girlfriend may only want sex about once a month. I need more sex than that, but I feel like a total butthole saying that. Then again, I am a 24 year old man. I think it may be normal to want sex more than once a month. You mentioned previously that "Feeling loved and valued just as you are is the
biggest turn-on in the world. In the same way people who only touch their partner for sex often leave their partner feeling discounted and used. Generally couples who hug and touch a lot out of affection have more rewarding sex-lives. It's also useful to act on the knowledge that showing affection does not mean sex is inevitable." Well, my girlfriend feels as though I touch her too much. I don't know what to do. I have tested her to see how long it takes her to realize I haven't touched her sensually and she has no clue. It's like she doesn't care. She could definitely live without any sexual activity from me. I feel she only needs me emotionally. I feel that I'm too young for this and I have no interest in a platonic relationship. Which, no matter how hard she tries, is what it feels like to me. What should I do? Joshua
Dear Joshua
I sympathise. It's hard enough for any couple to cope with differing levels of libido. When you add her trust issues and her continuing response to a previous rape, you really have a lot on your plate. I respect your commitment and the loving patience you've shown her. But you've discovered that whatever you do or say, you can't "fix" her. That's not through any lack on your part. You've given her everything you possibly can. She needs professional help from someone she's not in relationship with. You've encouraged her to seek that help but she's declined. There really, honestly isn't anything else you can do.
So now you have choices. I hope one of the first is that you'll realise you're not a butthole because you have a normal sex-drive.
