Dear Anne,
I could really do with some objective advice. I'm marrying my much loved fiancé in August this year. It's a big deal. He is the right one for me and I have always dreamed of the traditional white wedding. My parents are divorced. I've always been close to my mother and step-father and they immediately jumped on board with excitement, ideas and both financial and emotional support. My dad's reaction has been very different. I've always got on OK with him but he married my controlling, difficult step-mother when I was three. I am an only child, but she had two children that are nearly twenty years older than me. She was often not nice to me and said things that she should never have said to a child. Now I'm 28 I understand but I find it hard to cope with the fact my dad never stopped this from happening. My wedding has brought up some long-forgotten emotions. A while back my 45 year old step-sister got engaged to her soon-to-be third husband. Their wedding will be in the Seychelles. I'm not invited which I'm fine with, but my dad and step-mother are going there to a very exclusive resort. My dad has money and he hasn't offered me any help with my wedding, despite helping my step-sister with two previous weddings. I am heartbroken. I am also scared of hurting my mother. She's less financially secure than my father and has been imediately begun preparations. I feel guilt that the money issue is unsettling me. But my mother feels he has never helped her. She's had to support me throughout my childhood and at university. She wants him to step up at this time and be a father to me. I understand and have lied to my mother and said he will help. I may be 28 but where they are concerned I feel like a scared 7 year old again and I don't want the confrontation. It has also made me consider other points like why should my dad make a speech at my wedding and give me away? It's my mother and step-father who have nurtured me and never hurt me. I don't want to break my dad's heart. He was just to weak to look after me properly. But it is a day when I don't want to pretend. Please help me. Should I shut up and go along with everyone or should I speak up and tell him how I feel? I feel guilty money has brought up all this emotion. Thank you for reading this. It's helped me just to articulate it in a letter. Best wishes, D
Dear D,
First of all, congratulations on your engagement! It sounds like you have a great fiancé and I wish the two of you a happy future together. Please don't lose sight of that in all this to-ing and fro-in about the day.
How about asking your dad to meet you somewhere neutral like a café or pub? When it's just the two of you, you could ask, "Are you willing to give me some financial help towards my wedding?" Either he is or he isn't. At least you'd know, which is important for planning. And you are not responsible for his choice. Nor are you responsible for your mum's feelings about him and his actions. He didn't want to help her after he'd fallen out of love with her so he didn't fulfil his obligations to his child.
You could also ask him if he wants to give you away or if he'd prefer it to be your stepdad. Worrying and guessing are less help than calmly inviting a statement of his intentions. Even if he's not giving you away, you could ask him if he wants to make a speech. Now so many people have a dad and a stepdad, there's no law against both of them making a speech if they want to. But most people don't like making speeches and if he doesn't want to, great!
Notice this is all about asking unloaded questions rather than making big emotional declarations. How you feel isn't necessarily going to change how he, or your mum, feels.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your biological and stepparents' complicated relationships aren't about you. They're about their feelings towards each other. I'm not surprised your mum wants your dad to pay a fair share, but whether he will or not is up to him. And his choice is about the kind of guy he is, not about you. You're lovable, desirable and worthwhile, as other people have clearly shown.
So rather than stewing, find out soon and make your plans accordingly before your mum commits to spending money that isn't available. Have a wonderful day and more importantly, a wonderful life together, even if you can't have the expensive wedding you'd dreamed of. Good luck.
