Dear Anne
Ever since my dad's mother came to "visit" us for about 2 months, my dad has been finding a fault in everything I say and do and verbally abusing on me. He says things such as I'm a spoilt and arrogant child who has no respect for my parents, but I really do respect my parents - though I'd have to say my respect for my dad is quickly disappearing. Before my grandmother came I was on relatively good terms with my dad. It's really starting to bug me and I often feel like doing something that will give him a scare like cutting myself or running away. Maybe then will he stop. Whether it's because he thinks I don't respect my grandmother or (as my mum says) he's getting stressed I don't know but it upsets me a lot. I cry alot too and I get embarrassed to go to school with my puffy eyes. My mother has been having a really hard time as well with my grandmother staying. My grandmother just lies down sighing, yawning and sometimes complaining, though she hasn't done anything or helped out. My mum does everything. My dad buys my grandmother expensive things and he's never done that for my mum since they married. Mum doesn't have a job but she was very busy even before my grandmother came and her long visit has restricted my mum from having a social life. My grandmother is very traditional and a Buddhist while me, my brother and my mum are Christians. We have to keep it a secret from her so that my mum can still go to church. It's really difficult. My grandmother's visit is beginning to affect us all and my mum and I don't know when she's leaving. We're scared she might not leave at all! What can I do? Jennifer
Dear Jennifer
I'm sorry for all of you - and that includes your grandmother. Her behaviour invites rejection but how hard it must be to feel unwelcome! Is your dad stressed? Definitely! He seems to be trying to be the "good little boy" to please his mum, which includes changing his parenting style to criticial, undermining and repressive. However, you, your mum and your brother are colluding because you're tiptoeing around trying to pretend to be something you're not. I'm not suggesting you should be anything less than polite but how about the three of you having a private discussion to decide on tactics?
One possibility is inviting first your mum and brother, and then with their agreement your dad, to read your letter and my reply. You might also decide to resume some of your normal activities, such as going to church. A good Buddhist shouldn't be pressuring others to deny their religion. You wouldn't be making your grandmother go to church, which would be coercive, but you'd be allowing her to have her beliefs while you guys have yours.
Without being critical or blameful, your mother might ask your dad to consider some of his recent behaviours towards the family he's created: you, your mum and your brother. Is he pleased with how he's behaved? What results has it got him? And how does he think the rest of you feel about it? If he's not pleased with what he's done and what it's got him, what might he do instead? Is thee any support you guys could offer him to help him behave in more positive ways?
I don't know the answer to the next one but I bet you do. Could your grandmother's resting and sighing be a manipulation designed to get her more attention? If so, how about you three (and perhaps your dad) voluntarily giving her more attention on your own terms? If she felt more valued, she might well be less demanding. What if you all invited her to share more family outings and activities? Then you'd also be free in between times to enjoy your own livestyles.
And what of your internal responses? Cutting yourself or running away would prove to everyone that your father's accusations were correct. So would shouting at him, slamming doors, making scenes and sulking. How about asking your father for a private word? Or perhaps if you'd feel safer that way, asking your mum to be there with you? You might say something like, "When you keep undermining me, Dad, I feel stressed and unhappy. Please in future will you criticise my behaviour rather than me?" Your mum might also say something like, "I feel devalued and rejected when you're so generous to Grandma with your attention, time and money. I love you and I'd love to spend some time with you too, just on our own. Are you willing to do that?" She might also ask him when Grandma is leaving.
Still on the subject of internal responses, I hope you can take on board how stressed your dad is with feeling obliged to please his mother all the time and present a "perfect" image according to what she'd like. Maybe you can cut him a bit of slack - and determine you're not going to be like your granda when you grow up! You don't have to believe what he says if it's not true. You might just ask yourself whether any specific behaviours of yours could usefully be adjusted, take responsibility for those, and do your best to answer him politely. Especially where Grandma can hear! Maybe doing a few more chores voluntarily, taking more responsibility for homework and looking after your things could be useful to you as well as inviting peace!
One last point: how about spending an hour unmoving on your bed, trying to imagine that you're your grandmother. What about aches and fatigue? What about feeling lonely and unloved? What about being a widow/divorcee so you no longer have the love of your life? You've got your whole life ahead of you but she hasn't. Your grandmother didn't set out to be an unhappy old woman, did she? If you can find some sympathy for her, you might find it helps you enormously.
I wish all of you a home that's a happy place to be. Good luck.Back to Ask Anne
