Dear Anne
A few weeks ago my dad went into hospital. He'd had a bypass a few weeks earlier. Then a week after he had beed in hospital the doctors told us there was nothing more they could do and that he was going to die. I cannot explain how any of my family felt. We decided it was best he didn't know so we tried to act like everything was going to be OK. For a week and a half I went to visit him every day, watching him get weaker and weaker. It was truly horrible. Last Thursday he slipped away, but I was not there with him in his last few minutes and now I feel I have let him down. It was the service today.
I just don't know how to carry on, but I must for my Mum and ten-year-old son. I just feel so guilty that I wasn't with him. I don't know what I am meant to do now. I just feel lost and helpless. Is there any advice you can give me? Thank you. Best wishes. Jackie
Dear Jackie
I am sorry that you have lost your dad. It is always hard to watch someone you love dying and to know that nobody could prevent it. While you know that he was not strong enough to recover and would have had a very poor quality of life even if he had survived, you and your family are left with a void where your dad used to be. It probably feels as though that emptiness will always be so painful but it won't.
Feeling guilty is a normal part of bereavement. I'm sure you're aware that your dad was so weak he probably wouldn't have realised you weren't there. Even if he had, he knew that you have a life of your own, and that you have your son to care for. You may be taking care of your mum for a while too. In some ways guilt is a kind of if only feeling, but your dad knew you loved him and even if you had been there you couldn't have stopped him dying.
Bereavement is a process with four elements. You don't usually go through them one after the other. Instead you're more likely to cycle through them several times. The four tasks of mourning are acceptance, anger and grief, and rebuilding your life with a new place in it for your dad's memory. Feeling guilty can also be part of the anger process if you turn your anger in on yourself. Lots of people are angry with the universe or with God for taking their beloved away, and often angry with the deceased as well for abandoning them. The truth is that your dad wouldn't have left you if he could have helped it. Many religions believe that in any case death is the opening of a door into a new and wider universe without physical pain or limitations.
In time you will come to a more rounded and complete understanding of your relationship with your dad. He will be there in your memory. You will be able to reminisce about him and to think what he would have done when situaitons perplex you. In healthy relationships people don't feel the need to hang onto the grief as a sign that they did love the person they have lost.
