Dear Anne,
I have two daughters aged 40 and 38 whom I haven't seen or spoken to for 20 years. I have always known their addresses. After a few years of separation I wanted to get in touch but I have never had the courage because of the fear of rejection. I recently got in touch with the eldest and arranged to meet for coffee. We spent nearly 3 hours talking over the past. I had the feeling that things were going in the right direction. I received an email from her a few days later saying that she had enjoyed meeting me again and that we should meet again. Things went quiet for a few days and I tried to email her but no reply for several days. I then had a message saying that we had not just drifted apart, it was because I just didn't want to know any more and she was finding the renewed interest very bizarre after all these years. Also that her mum was finding it hard to swallow and that she would never do anything that she thought would upset her as they had been arguing a lot over it. She then said, "I'm sorry, I really am. I don't like hurting anybody but I think it's too late" and signed off with a kiss. Can you please help in any way as to my next move? Bob
Dear Bob,
I'm sorry that your recent attempt to get in contact with your elder daughter hasn't worked out as you'd hoped. Hard though it may be, think about what it was like for your girls when you left so you can understand your elder girl's reaction.
Naturally they've felt abandoned and believed that you didn't want to know them. Add in that the one parent who was there for them wasn't you but their mum. Your wanting to get in touch after all this time has obviously shaken the foundations of their lives and no doubt refreshed old memories both for them and for their mother. They feel more loyalty towards her as she's made sure she's stayed in their lives, and they're afraid that speaking to you will hurt her.
As you're aware, this leaves both your daughters and yourself in a difficult position, and with some very painful feelings to deal with. You may decide to send the daughter you contacted a pretty notelet saying something like you're very sad about this but understand and respect her decision. You could add that you're sorry you've hurt her; she's very much in your thoughts as she always has been but you were too scared of rejection to get in touch before; you hope in times to come you and she will be able to stay in touch, and you hope she won't mind if you at least send her Christmas and birthday cards/gifts. You could send a similar card to your younger daughter too, signing both with love. Then you'll have to wait and see if they respond.
It may be that in time they will accept you once again. But, Bob, I'm sorry to say there are no guarantees they'll be able to get over their hurt and convince their mum that talking to you isn't a betrayal of her. You might decide to talk your feelings through with a trusted friend or a counsellor. Though you'll probably always have regrets about your past actions, you can start forgiving your younger self for his limitations. You might set up a trust fund for your grandchildren and make a will leaving your daughters a bequest. You can hang on to the good things: that your elder girl enjoyed your company and wanted to see you again but didn't want to upset her mum. Then it's time to invest in making your life and relationships as rewarding as possible so that you won't have further regrets. I wish you all the best.
