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Can I Lower My Sex-Drive? - Agony Aunt

Ask Anne

Dear Anne

I am in a wonderful marriage. My wife and I are really happy together, and love each other very much. My problem is that I have a very high sex drive, while my wife's is very low. She is often tired, and openly admits she doesn't often feel "in the mood". I masturbate frequently, which helps a little, but I am now reaching a point where I am becoming addicted to this - to the point where I feel the need to ask someone for advice. Rather than asking is there a way to make my wife want sex more, I would like to know if there is anything I can do to make myself want it less? I have heard of tales of putting bromide in someone's tea. Is this fact or fiction? I would like to feel, for want of a better phrase, less "randy" - but, if my wife found herself "in the mood", I would still like to be able to "perform". Are you aware of any medication I could take that would lower my libido, while still leaving me able should the occasion arise? I should be very grateful of any advice you could give. Pete.

Dear Pete

I'm glad you and your wife are generally happy together. It must be frustrating for you, and perhaps annoying for her, that you have different levels of libido. Yes, there were rumours that during the Second World War the Army put bromide in servicemen's tea to lower their libido but as far as I'm aware they were just rumours. I'd also question what side effects such random medication might have. In any case I don't think anyone can selectively lower their libido yet still be ready to perform on demand, as it were.

So what can you do about this? You have discovered that the frequent relief offered by masturbation can be quite addictive, especially since it means there are few bad feelings or memories to stop you. On the other hand, you're obviously becoming troubled by it, so maybe you would rewrite that last sentence in light of your recent experiences.

It's worth knowing that sex is mostly a matter of the head, before it's a matter of bodies and hormones. This is true for both of you. True, you both have differing natural levels of sex-hormones and that's fairly much set by nature from puberty. However, I wonder how you respond to your wife's reluctance? I wonder how she feels about being asked? I wonder whether, as some unfortunate men do, you think sex is merely a physical act like going to the loo, or whether, as most women do, you think making love is an expression of affection, caring and passion for one another? I wonder whether you show physical affection like hugs and kisses and hand-holding that's just for its own pleasurable sake and not as a come-on? Many women feel used if their men have that sort of approach. I wonder if your masturbation involves the use of pornography, which would put many women off sex as they'd find it critical, hurtful and insulting. Maybe you are a kind, caring and considerate lover.

Maybe you do help out around the home and with earning or childcare so that she doesn't feel permanently overburdened and too tired to make love.

But maybe the ideas above could give you some new information to work on. As for how to lower your libido, physical exercise helps. So do cold showers. So do productive distractions like getting interested in a talk or pastime. But none of these will help if you just end up isolating yourself from your loving wife or seeking comfort elsewhere. I'd say you and she have some peaceful talking to do, wouldn't you?

I wish you, and your wife, a fulfilling and complete loving relationship both in and out of bed. Good luck. Good luck. Back to Ask Anne

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