Dear Anne,
I have not long started in a new job and have moved to England from Scotland. I find the staff a bit intolerant at times. I hear them being nice to others till they leave the room, then they say terrible things about them. The other day I heard them talk about me. I spoke to one of them about it and she got angry at my accusation. The other woman I will meet tomorrow. She is a very loud verbal person. I just know she will wait till she has an audience before addressing me about it. I dread going to work tomorrow. I just don't know how to tackle it. Mags
Dear Mags,
I'm sorry you're having such an unhappy experience at your new job in England. Please believe me, all English people aren't like this. Sadly, in every country you'll find people who act this way and organisations where this kind of thing is tolerated. But it's not acceptable.
Having a go at someone or having a forceful confrontation about their rotten behaviour aren't going to win you any points in the popularity stakes, and they won't work either. These people have poor social skills and shaky self-esteem, and often they make themselves feel better by making someone else feel worse. What you could do is, firstly, make sure you don't do any backstabbing or bitching, and secondly, use Emotional Literacy. That might go like, "I'm sorry you don't like (what I did/said just now). I'd much prefer it if we could treat each other with respect, wouldn't you?" Notice that this isn't an apology, just sympathy because they're unhappy about something. Unless you genuinely feel you need to make an apology, in which case be big-minded and do so.
If you know someone is badmouthing you behind your back, you might tell them, "We're all on the same team, aren't we? If there's anything about my work you're not happy about, please let me know so we can work together to sort it out, OK?" And don't forget, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Which nasty remarks won't - unless you take them to heart. Just imagine the unpleasant person is calling you purple. You wouldn't believe that, would you? You could just shrug and say, "Let's agree to differ, shall we?" or "That's interesting. I'll think about it." You don't have to tell them what you think about it!
Do what you can to raise your profile. Do your best to be super-efficient, and let your bosses know, subtly if you can. But sometimes it's worth blowing your own trumpet in the right quarters. If there's anything you're not sure about, ask! If part of your role is to pass on tasks to colleagues, it's useful to back this up with emails as that'll help to cover your back.
It's also worthwhile making friends with the most approachable of your colleagues. Cheery greetings and showing some interest in them are a good start. Having them on your side will help you feel better as well as offering you some protection. You might ask them if they'd like to go for a drink after work one night next week. Be warned, though: trusting them with confidences probably isn't a good idea.
Nice people don't bully! What they say speaks more about them than about you. If, however, you're still finding the bitchy remarks hurtful, keep a diary of them at home. One or two might not look like much but if it keeps happening, it begins to look like a deliberate campaign of bullying. You can take this to your union (if you're in one) and the HR department at work and ask them to help you sort it out. You can also ring the National Bullying Helpline on 0845 22 55 787 for advice, support and legal information.
Meantime it's useful to widen your social life outside work. Take up new interests, join a social group or find a class in something that's either helpful for your career or just for fun. It'll boost your spirits to spend time with pleasant people and make nourishing friendships. It'll also help put the small-minded nasty people into perspective. You're important and your company thinks you're worth hiring so take good opinions of yourself on board instead of bitchy ones. There are plenty of opportunities in companies which foster an attitude of co-operation and respect. I wish you all the best.
