Dear Anne,
I want to know why I feel alone even if I am surrounded by many of my family members, i.e. my brothers, sister and cousins because we live in a joint family system. I feel so much loneliness that I cry sometimes. Please tell me, am I sick or something? Vajahat
Dear Vajahat,
I'm sorry you've been feeling so out of it. It's a miserable feeling, and one that's much more common than you might think. It doesn't make you sick. In fact most adolescents go through a painful phase of "Nobody understands me - I don't fit in anywhere". And most of them come happily out the other side to find their own place in the world.
Families are systems which operate for the greatest good of the greatest possible number of members. Given that we all start as helpless infants who need carers, you can see that that's vital. But along the way, three different forces come into play. One is that most people have some level of difficulty managing their emotions so much as they care about others, they may try to force them into a particular pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving to keep the system running as smoothly as possible. Which means some people get their corners knocked off. Another is that each individual starts from their own paranoia: Am I lovable? What do I have to do around here to fit in? If others are different from me, either I'm wrong or they are, so I have to make them be like me so we're all OK and safe. And thirdly, let's not forget that people are individuals. It's common that Mum or Dad want their children to behave in certain ways and have certain interests and aspirations because Mum and Dad think that's the best way of their children getting happiness. For example, sporty parents may feel upset that one of their children prefers studying; family-centered parents may feel upset if one of their daughters wants a career rather than marriage; both parents may be upset if one of the children doesn't want to follow them into the family business.
All this means that some of us feel like a cuckoo in the nest some of the time. Cuckoos, as you know, lay their eggs in the nest of some other bird so the other bird will rear their chicks for them. Then the young cuckoo gets pushed out - but it's OK for the young cuckoo to grow up and be a cuckoo!
So what can you do about all this? No doubt there are behavioural norms which your family expects you to go along with. Small ones, like doing your share of the chores, taking care of your things and being kind to the others, can be very useful. Talking about their interests is helpful. If you're lucky, they'll talk about yours too, but if not, talk about those interests with friends who share them. Bigger issues, like marrying your parents' choice of partner, need more thinking about. You may find that some members of your family secretly feel the same way as you do about some things but have been just as scared as you to raise the subject. Or perhaps you could talk to a teacher, older relative or colleague. In some communities you'll find support if you don't want to go along with a forced marriage. In the UK one source of advice is the Commonwealth Office on 020 7008 0135.
If you feel like running away, please be aware that this can be very risky. There are real dangers out there and you don't want to end up on the street. It's important to have a realistic plan of where you're running to and how you'll support yourself safely when you get there. That could mean working or studying hard and saving up. In a culture where extended families live together, leaving could mean it's very hard to go back. If you live in the UK, you could ring the Talk Don't Walk helpline on 0800 085 2136.
I hope, Vajahat, that you find the support of friends, teachers and pleasant family members, and that you learn to like yourself. I wish you all happiness for the future - and the courage to behave in sensible ways that will help you achieve your goals.
