Dear Anne,
When my daughter got pregnant I told her she needed to move into a place of her own. She is 21 and a police officer. She moved in with her boyfriend and had a lovely baby boy who is now 2. The relationship was a disaster and for the last 18 months she's been living in our home, along with child and 2 cats! I am distraught with her. I don't want her and the baby (my grandchild) living with me. I'm feeling more and more resentful towards her and the child because she will not move out. I feel I've brought up my own children and I really can't cope with the hassle. She says she can't afford to move out but earns a similar wage to me and her father. She also still sees and constantly fights with and manipulates the boyfriend. They still spend weekends together and go on holiday etc. He is now living with his parents too. As well as this she is very messy, lazy and arrogant. The whole situation is out of hand to the point where I cannot stand even looking at her, as I resent the way my life has changed due to her choices about her life. I've actually become abusive to her as a strategy to get her to move out, which I'm afraid will ruin our relationship forever and isn't actually working anyway. I cannot get my husband to see my point of view. He just gets angry about my behaviour and defends her more and more; he has a "baby comes first" attitude. I work full time and I'm only 42. I basically feel as though my life has been taken over by her and her problems. I do all the household cleaning, cooking etc. and she strolls in and out like an overgrown child with a baby and does nothing. Am I just being selfish? Because I really don't want to be involved in the upbringing of another child. I don't mind doing my bit a few hours a week but I can't cope living like this.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Are you "just" being selfish? No, your behaviour is also abusive and manipulative and can't solve this dilemma. I acknowledge that you don't want things to carry on as they are, and that's fair enough, but what you've done so far has isolated you from the people who could help you build better problem-solving and a nicer atmosphere at home.
Your husband is more likely to see your point of view if you stop behaving antagonistically. Your daughter is more likely to co-operate if you stop criticising and being unkind to her. And with the best will in the world, your husband loves his grandchild and your daughter loves her son, who you agree is a lovely boy. Is it fair on him - or any of you - to have all this futile friction? Time for adult problem-solving measures instead!
At a time when you're reasonably calm, you could make a list of behaviours you want from your daughter while she's in the family home. Which specific chores? How often? Which ones will you undertake? And your husband? Assuming she can keep her room as she wants it, will she agree to keep her and the baby's things tidy in the common areas like bathroom, kitchen and living room? If cleaning, ironing etc. are likely to continue to be an issue, don't forget that with three wages coming in you could afford a cleaner for, say, three or four hours a week. Are there limits you want to set on child-minding? Perhaps you'd like a certain amount of notice too. Once you've made a realistic list as a basis for discussion, how about you, your daughter and husband go out to a café to agree what you each will do? It'll be easier on neutral territory.
Be warned! Your husband and daughter may have specific requests of you too. Will you treat the other people at home with respect and courtesy? Even friendliness if you can manage that? You might even make this offer the opener to this discussion, with apologies for your past bad behaviour. (If you're lucky, your daughter will apologise too, but don't forget, you're only responsible for your behaviour, not hers.)
Note that the key to all this isn't complaining or criticising. It's asking politely and assertively for what you want. If you and your family can't manage to reach a peaceful, mutually respectful agreement, then how about going to one or two sessions of either couples counselling or better yet, family counselling? If they won't agree to come with you, you could still usefully go on your own to build up your emotional management and relational skills so you can get more of what you want. I'd recommend a counsellor with a background in Transactional Analysis as your and your family's transactions have recently been problematic. You could find one by emailing admin@ita.org.uk.
With this as the key to your collaborative existence, things may well improve radically without driving further wedges between you and your family. However, even after implementing some new behaviours you may still want your daughter to set up a home of her own. In which case you could do some research, couldn't you? How much are suitable ground-floor flats in your area? What housing or other benefits would your daughter be entitled to? The CAB (www.citizensadvice.org.uk), Neighbourhood Office (if you're lucky enough to have one in your area) or the Benefits Office could give you this information. Shelterline (0808 800 4444) could give you some ideas too, perhaps in what to do so your daughter can be offered a council flat. And what about police housing? Would she be eligible for that?
I do feel sorry for all of you in this difficult situation. Please don't think I'm blaming you. I'm just pointing out tactics that could invite a happier outcome for you all so that you get to enjoy being child-free, having a peaceful welcoming atmosphere in your own home and being a grandma on your terms.
Good luck.
Anne
