Community jokes

Have you recently heard a really funny joke that you would like to share with other Tiscali members?
We'll print the best and funniest jokes that you submit each month.

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A woman is about to have a very serious operation she comes face to face with God, she asks him if everything will be okay he tells her she has no fears she will come through and live for over 50 years.
The operation is a complete success and the woman returns home, she decides as she is going to live for more than 50 years she will have a complete makeover, tummy tuck, boob job, lips enlarged in fact the works! The next few months she has turned herself around and feels terrific.
One morning she puts on her latest designer clothes picks up her Prada handbag takes a last look at herself in the hall mirror and says 'Wow', leaves the house opens her gate and walks across the road when suddenly from around the corner a speeding motorbike ploughs into her and she is fatally wounded.
Her soul comes face to race with God whereupon she cries out 'Why did you say I would live for over 50 years, you lied'.
He replies 'I am so sorry I did not recognise you!'
Vivienne Doncaster

An Irishman's been at the pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So the guy stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls all the way home and at the door stands up and again falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"And what makes you say that?", he asks as he puts on his best innocent face.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again".
AFK

Two cannibals walking down the road the first one said, "did you have a nice holiday", the second one said "yes I had lovely weather, food was very good",the first one said said, "why have you got an arm missing", the second one said "I went self catering".
Lesley

Many years ago the old Scottish Judge lay dying in his bed ( hang you quicker than look at you)
His wife pulled up a chair beside the bed " how are you James"
"No well Jean I'm slipping away, ready for the long dark journey".
"I can see that James".
"I've a wee confession to make".
"A confession! Your no a Catholic! Your an Elder of the Kirk".
"No that sort of confession, do you remember those business trips I took to Glasgow twice a month over the years"?
"Aye remember them well, I've always known."
"You have always known?"
"Aye that's why I've poisoned you"!
John Wood-Cowling

A minister decided he would play golf one morning instead of preaching to his congregation. He chose a golf course outside the area so he would not be recognised.
Two angels in heaven were watching him. One nudged the other and said, "watch this". The minister teed off and scored a hole in one.
"Why did you allow that?" asked the other angel.
"I allowed it", said the angel, "because he won't be able to tell anyone!"
Elizabeth Ferguson

Paddy is on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, host Chris Tarrant asks: "For £200, who was the Great Train Robber, A, Ronnie Corbett. B, Ronnie Wood. C, Ronnie Barker or D, Ronnie Biggs?"
Paddy says: "I've had a great day Chris but Im going to take the money."
An astonished Chris replies: "But you've still got 3 lifelines left, you're not that thick are you Paddy?"
Paddy says: "I might be thick Chris, but I'm certainly no grass."

Gaz - Daventry

Three guys drinking in a trendy bar, there is a loud ping noise. One of the guys says, "it's ok, I have received an email. I can view it from the right lens of my glasses".
"Wow", was the response from the other two.
Shortly afterwards a loud peep peep was heard. The second guy says, "It's ok, I have received a video clip, I can view it on my watch".
"Really", said the other two, "Wow fantastic".
The third guy goes to the toilet and returns with his pants down and toilet paper trailing from his back side. He looks at the other two and says, "You will never guess where I just received a fax".

John Carrington